Anesthetic

Remember that time, when I said no spiritual application could be pulled from the removal of wisdom teeth?

Well, I was sort of wrong.

LISTEN. It's been crazy. But full of the Lord. So I got some anesthetic, an amnesia drug actually, and some pills to take afterward.

I didn't swell or have any pain. What I did have, was craziness in my head. Seriously. I did not feel like myself at all. I thought I was losing my mind for a while there. But the Lord used it in so many ways.

So we'll start with me going back to work 6 days after the surgery..plenty of time right? wrong. Oh my goodness, I could not focus on anything! I felt dizzy, detached, and depressed. It was nuts. Well this particular day I was also supposed to meet up with my sweet cousin that I go over the book of John with. I didn't so much feel like reading words under these conditions though..

Yet I heard the Lord say do it..So I went home after work, prayed, really ..begged..for focus..and read John 4. AMAZING. I literally felt myself physically feel better with every word I read and studied! I never felt better the evening I went over the Samaritan woman and Jesus Christ being our Living Water!! Went home, felt good still. Woke up the next day...and bad again.

I really was thinking, ok, why do I feel like this, it has nothing to do with teeth...seriously. The next day, still felt weird, had to work again, and decided to chop off my hair and dye it darker...

I mean really, what was I thinking?! I wasn't.

Sunday comes around, I'm feeling better, go to church, and the Lord is pressing me to get IN THE WORD! So that afternoon, me and a pumpkin spice latte, get in the Word.

Amazing. Feeling better. He is in me, and LIVING. Snaps, that really sinks in. Go to the evening service at church..the Pastor talks about the underground church..believers who have little access to the Bible and Scripture..and how they HUNGER for it..and memorize it..
He asks for testimonies on how we've seen God move in our lives THIS WEEK...Then, how have we seen the Word of God active this week..I spoke up and testified.

Monday. Back to work. Feeling a lot better and go to my follow-up appt. I ask the Dr. about how long it takes for the anesthetic to get out of your system..he says "oh a week to 10 days...why, have you been light-headed? Oh and the steroid I gave you can make you feel detached.."

I mean, really.

BUT! The Lord ordained that way! If I had known ahead of time, that it was the medicine, I would not have pressed into the Lord like I needed to nor realized the power of His Word like that! How gracious is He?!

WELL. a non-believing co-worker, her husband had the same surgery by the same doctor a week or so after me.

He's been experiencing the SAME things and did not know why..I was able to share what it was, and not to worry, and also testify about the Lord giving me peace and rest through it!

But not only that, a desire in my heart for His Word is growing more and more..and I'm so grateful.Well, in the midst of this..trial? My mom is ..well...being placed in a position that she will hopefully cry out to the Lord. And well, until she does, it's kind of miserable around here as she turns to other things to fill her void.

As I go through this, I realize the days I was in His Word, things are great in our relationship (me and my mom) in fact, one of those days, the Lord granted me compassion with her in her depression because I had just had a small taste of it, BUT go the sweeter taste of the Lord through it..andI got to pray over my mom that night! Though, the days I was not in the Word, were (TERRIBLE). Now, I'm not saying "if you're not in the Word, you'll have a bad day." NO. The Lord allowed to happen to me so that He could continue to CONFIRM the power of His Word in my life. He's so gracious to do this, when He could turn me over to my own desires..Thank you Jesus that you don't..

NOW! Another co-worker emails me at the end of last week about trouble with her grandparents that she's living with..and asked for prayer.

The Lord allowed me to share in her sufferings, give her some Scripture and tell her that I understand..BUT ..and glorify the Lord.

Now I've noticed a pattern here. I'm sure you haven't because I've typed this in such a scattered form..

So here it is. The Lord has allowed me to go through things just a few steps before some one else, and then allowed me to testify of Him and His Word later.

2 co-workers, my mom, and then..my brother.

Yes, in my own house, exists my unbelieving brother. It breaks my heart, literally, to think on this reality too long. But Sunday afternoon, the Lord gave me opportunity to talk of Him with my brother! I got to identify with him in the fear of death (I experienced some of this in my depression/teeth ordeal). But we talked of the afterlife, what we each believed, and I understood the fear, but that Christ has removed that, and I feel assured.

He doesn't understand how I can just believe. And he voiced that he doesn't want me to call myself a Christian because Christians are fake, but that he respects that I do believe in something, I don't need a label though. Well, I said, the term Christian tends to be political these days, so I typically refer to myself as a believer. And when asked a believer of what, I would say Jesus Christ.

It showed me also the high calling to be of good reputation around my brother because he could stumble over any appearance of evil I could portray, and the Lord has been gracious in removing temptations and opportunities for me to be distracted and/or portray a "neat Christian" rather than a godly woman who passionately and genuinely is wanting to fall in love with Jesus.
Also, because of my freak after-surgery experience, I was able to identify with him to a point.

But I would NEVER want to live longer like that..fearful, unsure, distrusting, so you find an "anesthetic" to remove the pain. But man, that anesthetic caused me more trouble in the long run than an hour of pain and a couple days of swelling would have. God uses our pain. He allowed it, He is for our good if we love Him, and sometimes pain, is what He prescribed to become more like Him and lose more of ourselves. And to try and numb ourselves to it, take the easy way (which what i prefer) is worse in the long run.

Like my mom, she is turning to forms of anesthetic to numb her pain over the trials she experienced A YEAR AGO. It's a sick cycle. But if she would let herself feel, push through it with the God of endurance, and soak in His healing Word, she would come out of this. I thank the Lord that He hasn't turned her over to what she bows down to. He has her in this place so that she will cry out to Him and He can show Himself mighty and good to her. I pray she sees it. I beg my brother would trust and have faith in Jesus that He removed the sting of death from us!

OH! and I saw that in Acts 7 in my Monday night study with my pastor's wife! Stephen, looking into heaven, and seeing Christ STANDING at the right hand of God. Crying out the same word to his murderers that Christ did, but Christ doing it not seeing the Father because HE HAD OUR SIN ON HIM!Stephen was redeemed, He saw Christ, He prayed, and died. Christ saw death for us, so that we don't have to!! We have nothing to fear!!! Praise Him!

A Day Off..

FINALLY. It's my day off this week and after this, it gets crazy for awhile. Mostly just work. We are revamping my whole branch, turning it upside down, all around, ripping it up, taring it down, people and the building.

Basically without all of my descriptive words usage, we are re-staffing and rescheduling, and this weekend we will be putting in new floors. Obviously the floors can't be done while we work, so I will be in the building after we close both friday and saturday for this endeavor.

I'm thinking about bringing my sleeping bag..

BUT. It's all part of restoration process I never thought I would be a part of. My branch of the credit union is the only one of it's kind.. It's drive-thru only, it's small, and closed off to the public, but very busy. I have a variety of tellers there and i LOVE that. I have one challenging employee, and well..I have to pray for strength to be her boss everyday..But I know she's there for a reason like all the other ones are. I wished I could tell you all of their stories..because their amazing. I LOVE getting to know people. Being a small part of their lives.

Like yesterday, it was a long day. I'm short-handed and my senior teller (asst manager) was off. So that means i work a 10 hour day. Anyway, one of my tellers came in looking really down. I asked her what was wrong, and she burst into tears! I felt awkward and sad all at the same time. I asked her to go into my office and just cool down for awhile. After that "while" had passed, I went in there to talk. I thought it might be work. Because we've been making so many changes, moving people around, hiring, not hiring, and maybe it got to her. But she shared that she got a very broken heart over the weekend. I didn't expect her to share that.

But I felt like an older sister to her. I wanted to comfort her anyway I could think of, but I know the only One who can... So I shared a little bit of how the Lord used my times of broken-heartedness for good. ONE: There's always a purpose behind it. He wants to show something of Himself to us, so look for it! There's where your focus should be. Not on the problem, not on the hurt, but on the Lord Jesus. He loves us and everything is for the good for those who love Him back. I told her how it was during my time of being hurt that I'd never felt closer to the Lord. I grew soooo much in the two major times of being heart-broken.

Last, I asked if I could pray for her..PRAISE THE LORD! Praying over my staff member in a secular workplace! My friend and I prayed over my office when I got the promotion, and the Lord has surely moved in that place! All glory to Him!

It's so amazing to me how INVOLVED the Lord is with us..if we open ourselves up to Him...

So I just love that normally, she would been off that day, but I switched her day off to today, her birthday (ya this hits right before her birthday) and the Lord was able to reach out to her through me! Crazy, confused, irritable me!

I say that because prior to this opportunity, I have been feeling all of those things. Just lost and confused, WORN OUT in all aspects, like I have nothing left to give anyone..

And all of the sermons at church lately have been on prayer.

wow.

THEN I left work yesterday and went straight to meet up with my pastor's wife for Bible Study at Starbucks. We're coming up on 1 year of meeting in a few weeks. And I'm producing tears behind my eyes just thinking about God's grace to me through her.

So we went over Luke 21..because thats the book we've been in since December. And the Lord talks a lot about being on our guard, being alert, not letting the world ensnare us and dull our minds! Examples the scripture gave were drunkeness, carousing, and the worries of life.

And the worries of life sure were dulling me!! I was not guarding myself at all. Jesus advises us to pray for strength to escape "these things" and be able to STAND when the end times are near..not be overcome with fear.

That's not the only example of prayer the Lord has put in my life this week. Last Wednesday I was off as well. And I spent half the morning with the Lord. I HAD TO. I was dying of starvation of Him.

Well, my brother, who is not a believer..yet, has been suffering some chest pains that were freakin him out a bit. So he unknowingly to me, made a doctor's appointment for that Wednesday. As he walked out the door, he said "see ya later..I guess you're allowed to pray for me if you want to.." So I sat shocked and said "Ok, I will..Bye" And I did.

A little while later, I received a text message from him as follows:
"last night i prayed for the first time, and it actually felt good. im sry for always calling you brainwashed and pickin on you for that stuff."

TEARS CAME FALLING.

And they are again as I remember that.

Man, if the Lord God can change my brother's hardened heart..wow.

I wished you knew him, and how hurt he was from the church. And how angry at God he is. He did always call me brainwashed. He accused me of not thinking for myself, and that it showed my lack of intelligence. It started to ware on me just before that text message.

I had been struggling with my faith, who to trust, what is false, what is true? Hard questions..what if he's right???

My pastor's wife encouraged me that it was a good sign, not bad, that my brother said those things. It showed the light was shining brightly through me to him. The Holy Spirit was moving, and he had said once "Brooke, that's whats crazy about you. You actually BELIEVE this stuff. You have faith unlike the ones who pretend for a spiritual high." He was meaning in for an insult, but the Lord showed me it was a blessing and a "Glory to God!" moment. for sure. That this prideful, judgemental, hypocrite was transparent just enough for him to see a glimpse of Christ.



I never imagined that my brother would apologize for calling me brainwashed. At least not this soon. I thought he was messing with me again actually.

So it's been time of restoration lately. Restoration isn't an easy process I've realized. But it's better than being stagnant in ruins.

My branch getting new floors after 10 years is huge. I'm only the 2nd person to run that place, my boss before is an agnostic and she opened the building. The roof leaked and ruined the carpet, and they could never find the leak for YEARS. I'm not kidding. And maybe a few weeks after she left, my friend and teller found the leak. And the next time the workers were out, I pointed out that leak, and it hasn't let in water since. My former boss has since been promoted and opened our newest branch. IT LEAKED. IM NOT KIDDING. It's BRAND NEW. I found that interesting.

Building restoration in progress.
Family restoration in progress.
Debt being paid off.


It's been so amazing watching the Lord rebuild my workplace with staff and structure. Just watching new signs being put up on Monday after praying with my teller..was amazing. God's hand is there. I'll be in that position one year in June. I can't wait to reflect on it with you at the mark! BECAUSE it's also the marking of my student loan being paid IN FULL!!! The whole reason I've stayed here...Though God had other reasons also..

I'll save that for another blog.

I just hope to encourage you guys to not give up. When you grow weary, pray for strength. Retreat by yourself with the Father. Jesus did that. I learned that in Luke 21 also.

He retreated at night and ministered in the day. And He was God! So how much more should we be retreating to a lonely place to be re-filled?

Prayer unveils so much. I'll ask you what my pastor asked us Sunday..

What is hindering you from praying? Make a mental list of what you won't let go of and repent of as to restore communication again..

Is it worth it?

I'll be transparent here, my struggle with the outward and physical has consumed me.
Whether it be my self-image, my desire for a mate, it all has hindered me.

It has for a long time. The Lord is digging that root up.

I care too much what people think of me. There is a balance. I don't believe we should make people stumble with the appearance of evil, but I believe it all has to do with the motivation of our hearts.

And mine was partly to impress. To catch an eye..
I worried it over choosing an outfit so much, it would make me late to wherever I was going. Because all the different faces would come to mind and what they would think, so I would switch outfits with every face that came to mind..NO LIE. It's sick.

I'm such a passionate person, I struggle with balance.

So I'm praying for some of it.

To just simply have the Lord Jesus as my focus, and all else seems to fall into place.

PRAYER has been the root of this blog and all it's details.

It's been the theme lately.

When you're worn out, exhausted, pray for a time of retreat with the Father. He will provide it. We know this because He did it for Jesus, and Jesus took the opportunities. He had to.

We do too.

Rest and Peace to all of you,

-brooke