Random Utterings

These are going to make no sense. I just feel like blogging and venting. Just some descriptive words and phrases that I feel blurting out, but are not of the creative nor intelligent nature what-so-ever.

I'm tired of my teeth. What's the point of wisdom teeth and why are they called that? Because you get them when you're older? Wisdom comes through age I suppose, but that doesnt mean you're wise. Wisdom comes from experience, and true wisdom comes from the Lord. So what does any of that have to do with teeth? Especially ones that cause you problems, stay impacted, and then cost you a lot of money to get them removed. How is that of the wise or portray wisdom? As if that weren't enough, I have a molar that decided to have blunt roots and take on the form of a baby molar. Will a root canal save it? Dr. says no, it has come out with the wisdom teeth. So all of the wisdom and the baby are being pulled from my mouth. Then in a few months, I will get an implant tooth to replace the blunt-rooted baby. More money. The implant tooth will be screwed into my bone. Lovely. But sturdy. Very wise says the Doctor. Go with the implant, it'll last you forever.

I wanted to somehow pull some spiritual application from this root and wisdom problem I have.
Nothing of depth was pulled though.

So in a week, I'll be basically toothless. Good weight loss program I suppose.

Teeth talk is done.

Heart talk.
Mine needs to slow down. It overflows too much. I don't particularly like what it overflows most of the time anyway. Very inconsistent, the ebb and flow of my heart. The words I speak appall me most of the time. The thoughts I think are horrendous. What does that say about the condition of my heart? Nothing good I'm afraid. Today it did flips and then grounded. Last night too. I hate that you cause my heart to be a gymnast...still. I pray for the day when I meet you and my heart just takes a nice stroll toward you with a smile and then says goodbye peacefully.
Typically it turns, flips. twists, and then breaks a leg because it doesnt stop rolling. I think it has slowed it's pace. But I'm ready for it to retire and be a marathon runner. Not a gymnast. I hope for you to see what you are made for and to let go of what drags you down.

My house chokes me. My family is crazy and I don't know how to help them. Plus, I'm tired of trying. Except with one of my brothers, I don't get tired of him. I feel like an evil person saying all of this.

Work is a roller coaster. But I love all of my tellers. I need some resolution with one of my employees. I feel bad for her one day, and anger resides in my heart toward her the next. I'm clueless as to what to do or think when it comes to her. Changes are on the horizon though..that's for sure. I hope I don't destroy that place and or leave a bad rep or legacy. Or is that prideful to care about what IM LEAVING. I guess I should say, I hope people see Christ in me. Sometime they do, but like I said, I'm inconsistent, and that, He was not. Maybe He's so awesome that He shows Himself through me, and I just don't see it. Because I know this body His Presence dwells in is not worthy.

That makes me want to go finish my study on the work Kingdom in John 3. I hope my mind is renewed and transformed.

Thanks for reading..I think. Actually I'm embarrassed of this blog.

Changes

i love change. i think? ya, because i hate feeling stuck or stagnant. This week has been hell week for me. As in apparent attacks of evil. I've felt a bit lost and confused with a need for clarity and ..rest.

im tired of thinking so much. but i got a word of encouragement from a friend of mine's mom the other night. she seems to identify with me in feeling overwhelmed in our prayer lives. i want everything bathed in prayer. but im overwhelmed when i think about all there is to pray for. and i feel like im just uttering things to God..the samethings..over and over.

i know its not supposed to be like this. and all of this just under the umbrella of His sovereignty i know. because before i felt like this, i was cleaning out my room last saturday and came across old prayer journals of mine..

man, i was so passionate! and just poured my heart out like water to Him! now, i rarely write to Him. I've become ..busy. i feel as if time is just racing by. and there is this urgency inside of me to do everything..NOW. because i may miss something.. its weird i know. so i utter prayers of helplessness and desperation before i go to work everyday. Lord knows i cant do this job on my own. It's been awful up there lately. I know it's because God's kingdom is expanding there, and there has been abnormal attacks lately. And im not trying to sound spiritual, because im pretty sure if i wasnt a believer, i still would say to something to the same effect. It's just one thing after another. And I dont even want to reflect on it all. I just want it to stop.

Girls at my work have been seeking out the Lord. Coming to my church, and one is so close to salvation its amazing. My senior teller is..a challenge. sent by the Lord Himself to keep me dependent on Him. And im worn out. no lie. I know I've done something wrong. I feel like I haven't been a bold and strong manager.

Really, just lately, im seeing how much i really do miss the mark.. its nuts.

I'm so inconsistent.. im either late..or early. hot or cold. one extreme or another. where's the balance??? i wished i had some.

But here's some great news..but also a source of confusion..

I know one of the reasons ive been in abilene..in my mother's house..is to pay off my student loans so that i can be free from tie-downs to go wherever the Lord may call me to.

I'm one payment away from one of the loans being paid off, and a few more from the other.
This summer i know is gong to bring about a ton of change..i just know what or how..

Where im gonna be? what am i gonna be doing?

man and so many of my friends got engaged or married this WEEK. no lie! or dating someone..

one of my most dearest guy friends is dating someone for the first time, and he's about to graduate, and its just so weird! and one of my best friends eloped this week, but just to the JP. and i got to witness it. but its so..changing.

i dont feel creative right now, i just needed let this out and feel like i was keeping up with it..(that consistency thing again)

so im off to catch up on sleep that im desperatley lacking in.

Be praying for the retreat me and some friends are doing for the college girls at our church...
we're excited.

love everyone..

dont let the stones cry out...