Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Everything is Different

I think I'm one of those people that wants to journal, does journal (blog), needs to, but then really isn't very consistent with it. Unfortunate. It really is a release of all the thoughts that are constantly driving through my mind. Plus, I totally can be "creative" without having to be completely grammatically correct. I can just...type my mind. Scary I know.

Enough about that.

Back to the title. It's true. Everything is Different. Plus that's new Shane n Shane album...and we all know I LOVE Shane n Shane. And let me just put this disclaimer out there: I DO NOT idolize them. They make it impossible for that. Their music seriously does just stir my heart for the Lord. Few do that for me..and they're def. one of them. I know it's because their lyrics are just Scripture put to song form. Awesome.


My new year started off..not so good. All through December I had been praying over my New Year's eve because I always have bad ones. My prayer was "God, I pray this new year brings new beginnings. " Well..that was answered. Not how I imagined it would be though. But when is it ever?

I spent new years eve in the Hendrick ICU with my mom. She went into the ER on Wed.late afternoon..I had been house sitting for the Krakes from Dec.21st-that very Wed. My mom went in for gall stones. She went home to Jesus in that hospital from complications with pancreatitus. Never. Never. Did I think it would happen so soon. She was only 42. I conversed with her at 2 am new years day..Left the ICU under the instruction of the nurse..and never spoke to my mom again. She went into cardiac arrest at 4am.

Since my parents were divorced, my dad re-married. Out of town. My younger brothers..live outta town. It's on me. January has been whirlwind. So far February has too.

Don't get me wrong. So many good things are happening out of this. God is working them out. I def. don't understand everything. I'm still pretty tender and vulnerable. Confused. and Afraid. But the truth that He is always with us, that we're never alone...I've had to lean on that. Also, my church family. Omylanta (that's a new word of mine). They have been there with me through all of this. Helping me pack up, repair, and clean out this 4 bedroom house we've lived in for 12 years...being there praying for me..loving on me. I just don't see how others do this without Jesus and His Body?? My brothers are somehow doing it though..but I guess they're only having to deal w/emotional stuff while I'm doing everything. And they both have significant others to help them through. Can I just say that I've never wanted to be married more in my life than now? To have a help mate through this? I've leaned so heavily on my good friends for this role, and I feel terrible for that. It's crazy how I've seen how much I'm loved through this.

My family has seen it too. So many have reached out to me from my friends and church. I'm just so grateful.

So now I'm learning a lot about home ownership and adulthood. Good preparation I suppose right? Also made me have to face mortality. Not so enjoyable, but good to do. On top of all this, the same..inspiration..from the previous blog still chained me. But I recently was bold. I stopped it and was gentle, yet straight forward. The words totally came from the Lord.

You know, and it's been hard making a lot of decisions recently because I don't even know what I'm doing with my own life. I have so many fleeting desires and dreams..how am I to know what's best for me? I don't feel like I do.

I def desire to be married one day..but to a very...rare guy. Someone who genuinely loves Jesus. Doesnt play the religion Christian southern game. Ugh. But a Godly man. One who views Jesus as life. And minister constantly. I wished I could go on every mission trip my church offers. To teach Bible studies. Mentor young women. I would love to just that.

But I'm a teller supervisor. at a credit union. that has def taken care of me..and im well compensated for sure. and i've had lots of opportunities to minister to the tellers who come through there. But I feel like something is missing. It's not what I want to do forever.

Or then there's this thought that maybe my vision just needs to change. I feel like I'm missing some huge thing in my relationship with Jesus. So I pray always: "Jesus, grant me the POWER to grasp Your love for me!" -Ephesians 2:18

And I hate hate hate..my lack of trust..faith. I second guess all of my decisions...feel scared I'm not where I need to be.

Like right now. I'm at Mezamis, blogging, instead of scouting the Goodwills for my mom's wedding dress. That accidentally donated. I know. But I guess I just ran out of energy..stupid I know. I'll probably regret it later like i do so many other things.

I pray I can find it though. I want someone to tell me " Brooke, its ok. You've done a lot already." But so many others have so much crap they have to do too. I'm not the only one who goes through this. Then there's the people of Haiti..sorting through the rubble for everything they had. Everything is Different for them too. What about Paul the apostle? He went through hell. But rejoiced through his sufferings. Something..motivated him to keep going. Love? Easy answer in words..but not so easy to comprehend or understand for myself.

This feeling of exhaustion. I feel like I wake up every morning and go full speed ahead into the day...then crash at night. Just to do it again. I mean, I making ground. Getting through this selling of the house business. But it CONSUMES me. I find myself..in every situation..conversation...talking about it. Thinking about it. Asking advise about it. It's just so much. There has to be a balance. People do this everyday. Pack up a house, clean it out, repair it for selling.

Why does it consume me so much? Yet it's getting done. But for what purpose. I'll get it off my back, but am I missing out on life? And what about it when it's said and done, what am I to do then? I'll still be the same person..without my mom..an emptiness. More time to think about it.

Something in my life needs to change. I don't want to focus on the wrong thing. I want to come out of this saying "Jesus made His strength perfect in my weakness."

You know, but I wonder, I have a horrible time disciplining myself to do things I dont "feel" like doing. But when I do make myself do them..it's always a relief.

Guess I should've kept going and looked through the goodwills for my mom's dress. I really do not know how to pace myself. Extreme one way or the other.

I've also realized I can keep going if someone is there present with me.

But shouldn't the Spirit within me fulfill that motivation????

I want to see things differently.

"Be thou my vision.."

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