Changes

i love change. i think? ya, because i hate feeling stuck or stagnant. This week has been hell week for me. As in apparent attacks of evil. I've felt a bit lost and confused with a need for clarity and ..rest.

im tired of thinking so much. but i got a word of encouragement from a friend of mine's mom the other night. she seems to identify with me in feeling overwhelmed in our prayer lives. i want everything bathed in prayer. but im overwhelmed when i think about all there is to pray for. and i feel like im just uttering things to God..the samethings..over and over.

i know its not supposed to be like this. and all of this just under the umbrella of His sovereignty i know. because before i felt like this, i was cleaning out my room last saturday and came across old prayer journals of mine..

man, i was so passionate! and just poured my heart out like water to Him! now, i rarely write to Him. I've become ..busy. i feel as if time is just racing by. and there is this urgency inside of me to do everything..NOW. because i may miss something.. its weird i know. so i utter prayers of helplessness and desperation before i go to work everyday. Lord knows i cant do this job on my own. It's been awful up there lately. I know it's because God's kingdom is expanding there, and there has been abnormal attacks lately. And im not trying to sound spiritual, because im pretty sure if i wasnt a believer, i still would say to something to the same effect. It's just one thing after another. And I dont even want to reflect on it all. I just want it to stop.

Girls at my work have been seeking out the Lord. Coming to my church, and one is so close to salvation its amazing. My senior teller is..a challenge. sent by the Lord Himself to keep me dependent on Him. And im worn out. no lie. I know I've done something wrong. I feel like I haven't been a bold and strong manager.

Really, just lately, im seeing how much i really do miss the mark.. its nuts.

I'm so inconsistent.. im either late..or early. hot or cold. one extreme or another. where's the balance??? i wished i had some.

But here's some great news..but also a source of confusion..

I know one of the reasons ive been in abilene..in my mother's house..is to pay off my student loans so that i can be free from tie-downs to go wherever the Lord may call me to.

I'm one payment away from one of the loans being paid off, and a few more from the other.
This summer i know is gong to bring about a ton of change..i just know what or how..

Where im gonna be? what am i gonna be doing?

man and so many of my friends got engaged or married this WEEK. no lie! or dating someone..

one of my most dearest guy friends is dating someone for the first time, and he's about to graduate, and its just so weird! and one of my best friends eloped this week, but just to the JP. and i got to witness it. but its so..changing.

i dont feel creative right now, i just needed let this out and feel like i was keeping up with it..(that consistency thing again)

so im off to catch up on sleep that im desperatley lacking in.

Be praying for the retreat me and some friends are doing for the college girls at our church...
we're excited.

love everyone..

dont let the stones cry out...