Here's some lyrics I just need to put out there. Because I'm so confused in an area of my life. Man, when the Scripture says the heart is deceitful, it sure is. And I really hate writing about this stuff. It seems like a waste of time. But I desperately need to empty my thoughts. I have for so long, wondered if I'm called to singleness. Because when it comes to relationships of the romantic sort, I don't do so well. I want what I can't have, and then when I get it, I don't want it anymore. There's something deeply wrong with that. And with every relationship I've been in, I have felt a sense of disobedience to the Lord by being in it. And well, He was always right about them. I've only considered myself to have had two committed relationships my whole life. One was long distance the other was 2 weeks long. Now you see my issues. Some might say a commitment problem. I guess in essence that's right. Not because I'm afraid of it in general, but because when I give my heart, I give it. All. And people effect me so much. Plus, really, I don't know how to share that part of intimacy with anyone. I feel like it should belong to the Lord. I dunno. This all makes no sense.
I just believe that IF I'm supposed to be in a committed dating relationship, that person should be someone I could see myself marrying. So to get to know them, I would do that through a friendship. And they would have similar goals, visions, passions that I do about life. Our lives would intertwine naturally. We would not have to compromise ministry opportunities for the other, but rather it would be a shared thing. I've noticed something that happens in me in every situation where I've begun trying to date someone, with the exception of the first relationship I was ever in.
What happens is I start to feel pressured, stressed, and smothered. The last two attempts, it caused me to miss the Lord. Because I felt guilty getting into it, because I knew I wasnt supposed to be in it, so I ignored the Lord to a certain extent. THAT SUCKED. I missed Him terribly. That should not happen.
This recently happened again. I was selfish, did not exhibit 1st time obedience, and walked by sight rather than faith. I tried to make a relationship happen when the Lord clearly told me no from the beginning. But I just wanted to see.... maybe I was discerning wrong. Maybe I'm just too hard on myself...
And at that, I probably hurt someone because of my selfishness. Well then it came back at me....
As this was winding down and I surrendered it to the Lord, and let it go... another test came my way.
I fail this particular test EVERYTIME. I've never had victory. Because I was always too afraid to be bold. Too afraid to obey the Lord because I care about what people think too much. As the opportunities kept coming my way, somehow, the Lord gave me the strength to walk away. To be bold, for the first time in my life. I cry thinking of it. Denying self is so painful. But the Lord has my good in mind. And I have to trust that. I'm wanting to see good fruits from this decision. But I haven't yet. Well I have, but there's that part of me that's like, "well, did I do it right this time?" I didn't screw up as bad as I usually do, but was I finally bold and standing firm enough?" Because now I'm being ignored. And well, I was finally obedient in another relationship about 8 months ago because I felt not only was I distracted from the Lord and consumed by it, I believed even as their friend, I was standing in their way of reaching out to the Lord. After we talked about it and agreed to only hang out in groups. They dissapeared. I've been ignored ever since and lost a best friend. Plus, they didn't reach out for the Lord, they reached to another girl.
Here we ago again. Another distracting ordeal. Another opportunity not so be disobedient. God is so gracious to let us re-take tests instead of just being a failure. I finally was bold; transparent and revealed what was really going on in my heart.
I dont know what's to come now. I hate when I get ignored by someone that I care about. Man, you can cuss me out, punch me in the mouth, tell me you hate me and all of that hurts. But ignoring me without a given reason, that will get me every time. Basically going from a spoken desire to spend time with me, to cutting off all ties. Now, if this is someone I haven't grown very attached to, it doesnt really bother me that bad. But someone who's been in my life for years..
That hurts. Being uninvited, unthought about. That's what brings me to hearache. Especially when I thought I was making one of those few efforst of selflessness..trying to see the bigger picture, do what's best for "in the long run."
I guess that's key. I haven't seen why it was for the best, because I'm not at the end of that long run...
Anyway, here's those lyrics, the artist is Need to Breathe. The title is: Again.
I won't be the circus for you to star in
I won't leave you roses to watch them die
You won't be the heartache that keeps me sleepless
You won't be the songs that I could never write
I don't want to stay, I don't want to fall
I don't want to have to see you leave me
I don't want to take, I don't want to lose it all
Maybe I'm a fake, maybe you're a lie
Maybe our last chance died with last night
I don't want to stay, I don't want to fall in love with you again
I won't be a fortress for you to hide in
I won't be the first one you think to call
You won't be the regrets that I can't live with
And we won't be the last ones to ever have to lose it all
I don't want to stay, I don't want to fall
I don't want to have to see you leave me
I don't want to take, I don't want to lose it all
Maybe I'm a fake, maybe you're a lie
Maybe our last chance died with last night
I don't want to stay, I don't want to fall in love with you again
When we're scared and lonely
We will tell ourselves we're only
Just a word from what we needed
But we know that this ain't right
I don't want to stay, I don't want to fall
I don't want to have to see you leave me
I don't want to take, I don't want to lose it all
Maybe I'm a fake, maybe you're a lie
Maybe our last chance died with last night
I don't want to stay, I don't want to fall in love with you again
I can't stay
I can't fall for you again
